Not too long ago I had posted something online about how pretty soon I wouldn’t be able to say I had four children under the age of six anymore. I had been referring to my son’s upcoming birthday where he would be turning six. However, that was not as clear as I assumed it to be. Shortly after I had family members asking me, “are you pregnant?!” When I answered in the negative I suppose I protested too much, because my reply was met with, “you are, aren’t you?!”
as a mom of many, please don’t ask me if I’m pregnant
I was not, and I am not. However, that little episode left me thinking over something that had been on my mind a lot lately.
We live in a world where, when children are concerned, you just can’t win.
If you are married with no children the question is always, “When are you going to have kids?” If you have one child people want to know when you’ll give your little bundle of joy a sibling. Once you have three or more though that’s plenty—and boy, you sure have your hands full, don’t you?
First of all, I have a very firm belief in a person’s family size. That is, as long as you can provide emotionally and physically for your children, how many you have should be between you, your spouse, the Lord, and maybe in some cases, your doctor. That’s it. Even if we open our lives to strangers on the internet, leave my family’s choices alone. I talk about this in my interview with Manda on the Maple Alps blog.
Please, stop asking people if they’re pregnant.
You never know what someone is going through. Maybe the couple with no kids doesn’t want any. Or maybe they do but they want to wait awhile. Even worse, perhaps they want children desperately but are struggling majorly with finances.
Maybe the couple with six kids wants to have more but can’t due to health and finances. Or maybe they’re feeling completely overwhelmed, yet sense a calling to continue having more. Or what if they are, in fact, joyfully expecting but are afraid of how people will react when they tell them because of how it went with babies number four… and five…
I hate writing a post about “what not to say…”, but please, stop asking people if they’re pregnant; do you really think if they were that’s how they’d want to tell you anyway?!
“Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?!” “Yes! So glad you asked me! I had this fun way of telling you that I had been planning for months but this is so much better!” #saidnooneever
I promise, if or when we are we’ll tell you—when we’re ready.
37 comments
I was waiting until I reached the appropriate time in my pregnancy to announce, however I experienced a person asking me almost everyday if I was pregnant yet as they knew we were trying. I had already planned how I was going to announce so this proved to be way more upsetting then you would think it should have been. I just kept thinking what if I hadn’t gotten pregnant so quickly and we were struggling or worried, that would have been even more upsetting to be asked daily! Great post. So true in all cases.
Thanks so much for your sweet comment. It can be so frustrating when we are excited to tell people and then we have to lie about it!
I haven’t experienced this yet, but I can only imagine how frustrating it will be when it happens. People are soo pushy sometimes.
xoxo, Jenny
People really can be so nosy, it’s good to remember that it usually comes from a place of love and excitement though. 🙂
As someone who has been going through infertility for 5 years, I appreciate this post. Thanks!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read Caroline! Glad to know your perspective on it.
Yes!!!! Your last point is one I’ve thought for a while but haven’t really read anywhere else! It’s like people want to “catch” you. So weird.
That really does drive me nuts, it’s like, don’t take away someone else’s chance to share their exciting news! Ugh.
My husband and I have been together for ten years and this question drives me nuts. I’ve figured out a very blunt response for it now that usually stops people from ever asking again. But I just don’t understand why they are asking in the first place. They are basically asking how often your doing the deed… And if you don’t want to talk about that then why would you ask me about kids! You also never know someones story and what they may or may not be struggling with and could be hitting a nerve!
Absolutely Angela, you just never, EVER know what someone else is going through!
I’ve been married for four years and that’s all family and acquaintances care to ask me. It bothers me but what can you do? I’ve learned to ask women about their lives, jobs, existing children or their spouse instead of prying into the state of their uterus. Great post!
Greta | http://www.gretahollar.com
The state of their uterus, that’s hilarious. And I understand, it’s good to not get angry with our loved ones because I know that typically they’re just so excited for us!
So true! It really puts women in a no-win situation, and it’s really presumptuous to ask that. Good advice!
Thank you Georgiana!
I am afraid that I was one of the worst offenders when I was in my 20s. I was always asking people and it was because I was obsessed with the subject for myself. Now that I am a little older I finally seem to have the self control to not ask….unfortunately that only came from gaining a little maturity. 🙂 I am thankful that people were very forgiving of my rudeness. 🙂 It was only coming from a good but nosey place.
I totally understand that Carolyn! I think that most people are just so excited that they don’t really think about what they’re asking or why it might not be appropriate. We all get wiser with age, well, hopefully. 😉
Smart post! You’re right – you never know what someone is going through. Now that I am married, the next question that is on everyone’s mind is “when are you going to have kids?” I feel like telling them A. It’s none of your business, and B. When I’m good and ready. There’s too much pressure!
Totally, too much pressure. I know our loved ones are just excited for us, but it’s a really personal thing!
Story of my life! If I had a dollar for every time someone asks me if I’m pregnant, I would be a wealthy woman!
This made me smile… if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, I could afford to pay for the IVF to get pregnant again 😉 😉 😉
Seriously ladies! 😀
I’ve been married for over 5 years now, with no children. I thought after the wedding was bad, but it is so much worse now. I wish they would drop the subject altogether, but that won’t ever happen.
Erin | http://www.awelderswife.com
No, it probably won’t. it’s like I said, you just can’t win no matter what.
Yes! To all of this. We always get the “you’ve got your hands full” comments, and they drive my husband crazy. People really have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes, so it would be nice if they weren’t so nosy.
Ugh, I feel like “you have your hands full” is like the equivalent of, “you really don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”
I’ve totally been there. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we get this question it seems like every other week. 🙁
That must be so frustrating Krista! hugs to you. 🙁
Yes! I don’t get why people think this is an appropriate question. If a woman is pregnant, she will share when she’s ready. If she doesn’t, the presence of a baby will clue you in eventually. If not, it’s really no one’s business why someone doesn’t have kids and it really doesn’t matter if someone’s family is too big or too small for you. So stop asking women questions about it.
Yes, yes, and yes Crystal!
Girl! We are spirit sisters lol!!! This has been my life for the last 7 years hahahahaha. Oooohhhhh people, OY!!
Oh man, I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that people just love us and care about us when they’re being so gosh-darn nosey.
I agree 1000% When we were first married forever ago I got asked almost daily by someone and we were having difficulty conceiving and it was so frustrating.
Oh my gosh! What a personal question to ask someone! Ugh, I’m sorry. 🙁
Yes! I completely agree. While I haven’t had anyone ask if I’m pregnant, I’m constantly being told my daughter is ready for a sibling. I think I should be the one to decide that. I can’t believe the things some people think it’s ok to ask or say!
Yes, but just wait, if you do have another one and it’s a girl again you’ll get lots of comments about needing a boy… sigh. Sadly, some people don’t really realize what’s appropriate to talk about.
I want to read the blog post you linked, but the link is broken
It does look like one of the links is directing to a blog that’s “under construction”, the owner must be redesigning their site, hopefully it’s back up soon because it was a great article!