This blog post might be sensitive for those who are struggling with infertility or child loss. I want to thank mormon.org for sponsoring this blog post so I could share my story.
“I’ll leave you two alone.”
The click of the door as she shut it behind her echoed the click in my brain as I realized that this was it. Eight years later and the tiny details of that day are still etched in my brain. Weeks of hoping and praying for a miracle after my first abnormal ultrasound were over. The phrase “not a viable pregnancy” rang in my ears as I sat there with tears streaming down my face. I was aware that Mike was by my side, silently squeezing my hand and passing me tissues, but we didn’t speak for a long time. I’m not sure how long we sat there before we numbly made our way back to the car; the minutes seemed to slow down and speed up at the same time.
The days and weeks that followed as I waited for my body to naturally miscarry were agonizing. Not physically, but emotionally. With so many unwanted and unplanned babies being brought into this world why had I been denied my own sweet spirit at this time? Was there something–anything–that I could have done differently?
After that first ultrasound that hadn’t showed sufficient growth I had prayed for weeks that my baby would be healthy. I just wanted a healthy pregnancy and baby and surely my loving Heavenly Father would grant my request. Then, after our follow-up ultrasound had showed–in fact–that we would not have our prayers answered at this time, I started praying for this ordeal to pass quickly. I fully expected to start miscarrying within a day or two, if not that very night.
After three weeks of heartbreaking waiting I couldn’t take it anymore. In a moment of exhausted anguish I felt prompted to change tactics; I stopped praying for what I wanted. I had prayed for a healthy baby, I had prayed for this to pass quickly. I now humbly cried to the Lord and asked him, “Please, just tell me what I’m supposed to learn from this.”
Almost instantly a quiet peace came over me and I heard a voice as clearly as if someone were in the room with me–“Just trust me.” My tears subsided and I reached for my scriptures to find the following verse:
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. ~Proverbs 3:5
That night my waiting ended.
As I sit in my home with my four beautiful and healthy children I think about the Lord’s plans for us. Over the past eight years I have had my faith strengthened as I’ve accepted that His plans for me are so much better than anything I previously planned for myself. Our timing is not the Lord’s timing, but that doesn’t mean that our Heavenly Father doesn’t hear our requests and doesn’t love us. I know that He hears our prayers and answers them, but not always in the way that we might hope or when we’d like. But I know that answers come when we pray, and as we wait for our answers we’re granted with peace and comfort. He is waiting for us.